Response to "The Plight of the "Successful" Black Woman..."

Tcoop and BigVince,

While I appreciate the inclusion of your guest blogger, I think that he has left out many important counter-arguments and the explanation of "what Black men REALLY want in a BLACK woman?" In my attempt in a comment, I'll try to recount my thoughts as I read "The Plight of the "Successful" Black Women"

I think if I asked my mom why she expected the door to be opened for her, she'd answer "the door doesn't have to be opened for you, you can open it yourself...but if you find someone who wants to show his appreciation for you, he'd open it to show you his appreciation." Though he explains that 'Chivalrous behavior was a thank you for holding down the home...' this is wrong. Chivalry was, and should be, a sign of appreciation and/or affection. When a man demonstrated chivalrous behavior toward a woman, he didn't know if she was going to "do other stereotypical wifely duties". As a Black woman who blatantly sees the death of chivalry, I see this as a mere side effect of the diminishing respect and appreciation of the (Black) woman as a whole. In the past, men used to open the door for ANY woman, not just the one they are trying to sleep with for the next few months. Standing in order for a lady to sit down was second nature, despite that woman wasn't the woman who was at home cooking you dinner. We are now educated, yes, but we are also still women who deserve to be treated like a valued part of society.

The phrase "Successful Black Woman" appeared as a means of labeling a woman who could rival her "non-minority" counterparts. It's not secret that women are often left to raise families without the help of a male counterpart, specifically in the Black community. These solo moms had to teach their daughters that "You can do anything, HE can do better because, baby, we're survivors." So inevitably the "Single Black Mother" was the prelude to a "Successful Black Woman". But often that phrase has the connotation that we don't know how to be the "Successful Black Wife", which is not the case. We embrace our label "Successful Black Woman" because that's what we are. The pool can't be narrowed because success is a personal achievement, not a general prescription to be given after one has achieved societies ideas of success. Success can be raising a family, making a change in today's youth, or simply making it on your own.

It's easy to make the argument of women one that is based in Black and White. But as with any other Black issue, there's many other factors that make that argument null and void. If we want to talk about the stereotypical white girl in college, we have to look at the culture. She's more than likely in a sorority, founded as a social club. She attends social events put on by her sorority in which her male counterparts are encouraged to ask her to be his date. She accepts or declines based off her interactions with him in class, around campus, or at other events. She knows that it would be ideal to find a husband at school, however if not she can always go back home and work there until such an opportunity arises. Far fewer Black women are involved in sorority life, but I'll speak from the angle in which I am most familiar with. My sorority, as are the majority of other Black sororities, was founded with the mission to better the Black community through public service 'i.e. saving their world') . I was taught that college was higher LEARNING (school) and I wasn't "sent" to college, I was fortunate to have the opportunity to attend and therefore I was expected focus on the sure bet for a "successful" future (education). My college culture (sorority or not) was very different from that of my white classmates except the fact we were receiving the same education. "Letters and numbers" were what you thought I was overwhelmed with because that was all you could see of me. I was overwhelmed with finding a way to nourish my compassion for others and the evident need to "feed" the Black community. Networking and mingling was done with hope of landing a job, not a husband, reason being going back home WAS NOT an option. My college culture was informed by my desired outcome, which was informed by the understanding that college was preparation for work and life, not just marriage.

I've said I've worked too hard to be someone's housewife. But maybe I should have said I've been blessed with too much to not share my talents. Or I should have said that I need the security of knowing I can work, and the resume to support my abilities. Because the truth of the matter is I can make it with or without a "Strong Black Male." I know I have the opportunity (by choice or not by choice), the ability AND the potential to obtain the MEANS to live happily, to be "successful" , and to raise a family. For women who choose to stay at home as a housewife, good for you, but I know if I wanted to, I could do your job AND more.

As for successful black men, we don't think you're afraid of us, intimidated by us, any of that. We just know that we're not getting degrees for you, no, no, baby we're doing that for US. We want the financial stability and freedom that historically you had over us. We would really just appreciate it if you'd stop downing us for our "success" and 1. Get on our level, 2. Show appreciation for ALL BLACK WOMEN, and 3. Understand we're not trying to change the world, we're working to fix the one that is so damaged by our selfish society. It may not matter to you where we're going in our pants suit, but if you don't care, you don't matter to us. The ones that do matter are the "successful MALES" who are willing to support us in our efforts, while showing us he appreciates our grind and our struggle.

"Successful Black Woman" only equals "Single Black Woman" to males who, themselves, feel too inferior to us. We deal with too many struggles being Black and female, to NOT be appreciated by men. Chivalry should not be dead because I'm not at your house doing house work, chivalry is dying because you've lost respect for the women who are helping you get to where you want to be.

Check out the original post at: http://tcoop32.blogspot.com/