Monday, February 14, 2011

Response to @BigVince84's rebuttal

BigVince,

I appreciate your response but in an effort to create an on going discussion about the topic, I'd like to respond and expand on our blogs. My first rebuttal was not meant to be defensive, however I did intend to invoke some sort of emotion toward the topic. It's too easy for people to tweet about "Black women choosing education over relationships" and "#yousinglebecause...". But no one really attempts to understand the change in relationship between Black men and women, where the change started, and how we should strive to exist amongst each other. (Disclaimer: These are not limited to Black men or Black women, but it is when I can speak on as a Black female.) 

You disagreed with my observation of a lack of respect and depreciation for Black women. Are you telling me that opening doors, offering your seat, and going "out" on real dates is your way of showing respect of my progress as demographic? Riding the bus to and from class at UNC, I was often left standing while many men sat leisurely checking out my butt which tended to be in their face due to the position we were in. It seems like such a hassle for someone to offer to hold the door or carry my groceries in when I clearly have multiple trips to take. Too often men are willing to invite a girl over for a movie or "to chill" when he's interested in her. <---THIS is the demise of Black courtship and chivalrous love. The "Successful Black Woman" isn't changing this, however the "Successful Black Man" has had a great hand in the changing relationship and dating structure. The idea of "I'm a young, good-looking, educated, Black professional (often times with no kids)" has given men this idea of a golden ticket to be ratchet and reckless with the Black female's feelings and heart. In the past, men did chivalrous things not because women were deemed inferior, but rather because women (and family) were placed on a pedestal and treated with value and care. So opening a door or standing wasn't done because we were inferior and couldn't bear the weight, but rather as a sign of admiration for the other "weight" we haul daily. As for the idea of progress, what exactly is the progress you're alluding to? Is it the progression of "taking a woman on a date" into "having a woman over for sex". Or "offering up your seat" to giving her the option to "sit on your lap"? Just because Black women are acquiring more education and have obtained to ability thrive alone, doesn't mean she'll accept the disrespect offered by the Black man who has "too much going for him" to act chivalrous. 

At the end of the day, there are no "new rules of chivalry" because chivalry is not something that's up for change. There are only new expectations of what dating and relationships should be. The problem is, while Black women are still searching for chivalry, Black males are forcing their "expectations" on us, leaving us with generally two choices: your way or the highway. While some women are willing to accept your new expectations of: dates to your place (occasionally with takeout), sex without commitment, looking good for you to have arm candy, relationships for years with no intent to marry, etcetera, most educated Black women are not willing to be treated like a rental car.  

So now what?

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